There Are Words in Me Still

Creative Souls Meeting: December 13, 2019

The Friday Before Treatment Begins

So good to listen to my friends and their struggles. Mine become consuming. That medical treatment vortex is pulling me in deeper as I wade through the to-do list and the treatment protocols, getting ready for the full-time job of patient and being patient and riding the new wave of chemo/radiation starting Monday. At least according to the latest of my stream of in-coming medical phone calls.

My honey Ron wore his Santa’s elf cap this morning as he connected the lights on the Birthday and Christmas trees to get the house festive for a weekend of Before.

It feels so right to stop work despite my financial qualms. Sometimes I overdo and over-extend. (In counseling that’s not the best way to help people anyhow.) But identity is hard to let go of; work is where I am competent and skilled and loving and able to shepherd significant change.

Initially I was reluctant to admit unwellness. I spoke of it in the third person, “The doctors say that,” or, “I’ve been given the diagnosis,” not recognizing or owning the cancer as mine. But now I feel a pressure seeping into me, announcing itself in need of attention, in need of the treatment that will make it unwelcome.

Now I must attend to the way I will receive the support of the chemistry and physics, (two classes I’d missed), that will disrupt cell replication. Targeted as best it can be. With fallout. My job: one foot in front of the other, letting go of the superfluous, the unnecessary, the extra – all the stressors I can do without. Instead: summoning the life force, the spirit, the love, the support – whatever is needed to keep one breath coming in, and the next out. Because it ain’t my time yet.

My sense is that I am about to climb a mountain that will take me to the next part of my life. I am staying alive for Ron, because I can’t do that to him. Staying alive because this vast force of medicine, western, eastern, astral, is focused on helping me do just that.

There are words in me still to come out. The writing side of my purpose has increased in strength and clarity over these past years. I’ve spent my life learning healing. Now I’m developing the voice and ability and channels to do the writing.

This mountain I am climbing has a different view from the top, from the other side. One I don’t know and can’t see from here. I do know each fear needs facing squarely. The fear of pain, of incapacity, of physical loss, of identity loss, of financial loss. All that will be journeyed through. I just ask not to lose my Ron at my side. Not yet, not for a long long time. With Ron I can make it through to the other side and will see what words will come.

8 thoughts on “There Are Words in Me Still”

  1. Dear Nicky,
    Doug & I follow your blog and we admire your strength and determination. You will beat this, you will climb this mountain and you will see life differently ,and better, on the other side. Ron is an amazing person and truly your “rock”.
    On another note, we are watching Wild Wild Country. Fascinating documentary….and to think you were there. When is your book going to be available? Your play sounds fascinating, is the text or video available?
    You write beautifully, continue!
    Andréa & Doug

  2. Hi Nic,
    I subscribed. Yay
    Working on catching up.
    I’m thinking about you a lot and sending healing energy your way.
    Send me your address, so I can also send you a card and a poem or a silly cartoon.
    XOXO Sampatti/Jackie

  3. Xxxxx wonderful post – and so right not to underestimate the powers of the elves! Modern technology is great, but good old fashioned magic goes a long way.

  4. Dear Nicola,
    Thank you for sharing your journey with such grace and elegance. Patrick and I are routing for you! All my best to you, dear one!!

  5. Pud, my dad claimed to have cured a friend’s cancer using hypnosis. He had her visualize her good cells gobbling up the bad cells (think Ms. Pac-Man). Having personally experienced some amazing hypnosis-related phenomena, I would add this arrow to the extensive modalities in your quiver. Fight bravely, there is a willing and supportive army behind you!
    Love, Jay

  6. Dear Nic – Putting all your amazing energy into your healing – leaving no stone unturned – you’re doing it honey and all I can see is a sparkling clean butt in your future! Much love, Bav

  7. Nic, sweetheart, from across the pond I send my love and thoughts and belief in your innate wellness and strength. Knowing a little of what you have worked your way through in your life, I am convinced that these rogue cells are no match for your essential feistiness and the combined support of both scientific western medicine and the wisdom of the ages. I know that you know how to open your heart to all that is happening to you, and to the experiences, sensations and feelings that will accompany you on this path. Your friends are waiting at the other end, cheering you on. Loving hugs to you xx

  8. All my love to you and Ron. Keep writing. I want to keep reading you. If anyone can beat this, it is you.
    Lourdes from the land of snow.


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